Welcome to the Saint Sebastian Guide to Conclave Etiquette

In the rarefied world of cardinals, archbishops, and bishops, the rules of conclave are not just a set of guidelines, but a way of life. Or death.

Here are the key things to remember:

• Don't touch the sacred relics. Ever.
• Respect the cardinal's hat. It's not just for show.
• No talking, texting, or tweeting during conclave. The others will know.
• No eating the consecrated wafers. They're for the birds.
• No playing "Who Let the Dogs Out" on the conclave organ. It's a distraction.
• No wearing pleated pants to the conclave. It's a fashion faux pas.

And remember, if all else fails, just pretend you're in a meeting about the meaning of life. That usually gets you out of trouble.

More Secular Rules for the Secular The Sacred Rules for the Sacred

May the Lord have mercy on you, if not on the others.