Financial Forecast: 90% Certain Doom

Our team of expert economists has crunched the numbers, and we're 90% certain that our next fiscal quarter will be a complete and utter disaster. But don't worry, we've got a team of highly trained accountants on standby, ready to pick up the pieces of your shattered financial dreams.

Key Predictions:

• Our CEO will be seen driving a Vespa around the office parking lot at precisely 10am every Tuesday.
• The company coffee machine will jam on exactly 14 occasions.
• Someone will accidentally send a meeting invite to the CEO on a holiday.