The Caffeine Emergency Response Team (CERT) is currently deployed on-site, responding to an urgent report of excessive coffee consumption.

Reports indicate that a local resident has ingested 3+ cups of coffee in the past 30 minutes, resulting in a critical caffeine toxicity level.

CERT operatives are working diligently to administer a carefully calibrated dosage of decaf to stabilize the situation.

Stay tuned for further updates as this situation develops.