Citizens of New Toynaria are once again held hostage by the scourge of slow-moving traffic. As of 8:04 AM, the downtown core is backed up from the intersection of Main St. and Elm to the city limits.
According to eyewitnesses, the culprit appears to be an 80-year-old man in a Pontiac Aztek who refuses to merge.
Efforts to clear the congestion have been hindered by the presence of several aggressive squirrels.
We urge all citizens to remain calm and to consider alternative modes of transportation, such as walking or roller skating.
Click here for live updates on the slow-moving traffic situation Learn more about the aggressive squirrels at the heart of the problem