Productivity Tips for the Utterly Unproductive

Warning: the following tips may cause excessive procrastination, eye strain, and permanent damage to your social life.

1. Set a timer, but set it for the minimum amount of time possible.

Learn advanced procrastination techniques, like making a cup of tea. This will give you an excuse to take a "working" break.

2. Use a fancy planner, but don't actually use it.

You can display it proudly on your coffee table, where it'll serve as a reminder of your failed dreams and broken promises.

3. Create a "to-do" list, but fill it with ridiculous tasks.

Like "watch paint dry" or "count the number of dust particles in a given square meter". This will give you a sense of productivity, even if you're not actually accomplishing anything.

4. Work in a noisy, chaotic environment.

This will simulate the experience of working in a real office, where you'll be constantly distracted by your coworkers' conversations, meetings, and passive-aggressive emails.

Learn more about office politics and how to navigate its treacherous waters.

5. Use a standing desk, but only to lean on it.

This will give you the illusion of productivity while still allowing you to take an extended break every 10 minutes to stretch your legs.

Discover the joys of ergonomic furniture, or not.

Disclaimer: the author is not responsible for any damage caused by following these tips.

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