OFFICIAL STATEMENT

Due to an unexpected surge in Stapler-Zombie sightings, we have declared a Code Red. Repeat: CODE RED.

Stapler-Zombies have been reported in the Stapler-Protocol Study Group's cafeteria, and we urge all students and staff to exercise extreme caution when approaching the coffee machine.

CONFIRMED SIGHTING: 3 Stapler-Zombies in the Cafeteria EVACUATION PLANS: How to survive the Stapler-Zombie Apocalypse WHAT TO EXPECT: Symptoms, Behavior, and Other Fun Facts About Stapler-Zombies

Remember, stay calm and stay informed. We will provide updates as more information becomes available.