Weekly Horoscope

Aries

This week, Aries will experience a 37% chance of getting lost in the woods while trying to find the perfect avocado toast.

Recommended course of action: Bring a map, and maybe a snack.

Taurus will be plagued by a 42% chance of encountering their ex in the produce section, forcing them to reconsider their life choices.

Suggested self-care: Take up a new hobby, like tax accounting.

Gemini will have a 99% chance of getting into a fight with their neighbor over who left the dishes in the sink.

Tip: Practice active listening, and maybe just do the dishes.

Leo will be 100% sure they're the real star of the show, despite being stuck in a meeting that's going nowhere.

Advice: Take a break, and maybe just go outside and bask in your own glory.

Virgo will have a 50% chance of getting lost in a sea of paperwork, only to emerge with a newfound appreciation for Excel.

Recommended resource: Microsoft Office tutorials, or a good accountant.

Libra will be 100% certain they're right, even when they're not, and will proceed to tell the universe about it.

Suggested self-improvement: Take a step back, and maybe just take a breath.

Scorpio will have a 25% chance of discovering a hidden talent for taxidermy, and will be consumed by it.

Recommended hobby: Find a hobby with less... attachment to the deceased.

Sagittarius will have a 90% chance of meeting their soulmate in a karaoke bar, but only if they wear a fedora.

Tip: Practice your best 'I will survive' impression.

Capricorn will have a 75% chance of getting lost in the details of their own planning, and will be late to their own birthday party.

Suggested time management: Make a list, check it twice.

Aquarius will have a 100% chance of being right, but will still be wrong, and will argue about it with the universe.

Recommended course of action: Just nod and smile.

Pisces will have a 100% chance of getting their hopes up, only to have them dashed by reality.

Tip: Keep the tissues handy.