Standard Operating Procedures for Paranoid-Protocol

Section 1: Initial Response Protocols

When encountering a hostile alien invasion, follow these steps:

1. Call the Paranoid-Protocol Hotline at 1-800-PARANOID to report the incident.
2. Put on your best "I'm not a threat" face.
3. Run away slowly while making loud, non-threatening noises.

Section 2: Alien Encounter Protocols

When face-to-face with an alien, follow these guidelines:

1. Offer them a cup of tea and a nice chat.
2. Be prepared to flee in an emergency.
3. Never, ever, ever trust them.

Section 3: Post-Invasion Procedures

After the aliens have been safely relocated, follow these steps:

1. Call the local authorities to report the incident.
2. Fill out Form 27-B in triplicate.
3. Claim your reward from the government for services rendered.

Review Committee