Department of Unnecessary Red Tape: Redundancy Report
Section 3.1: The Art of Saying "No" in 37 Ways
By order of the Department of Unnecessary Red Tape, we are pleased to present the definitive guide to saying "no" to those pesky little requests for help.
Below, you'll find a comprehensive list of 37 ways to tell someone you can't help them, all while maintaining a healthy dose of disdain and disinterest.
- 1. "I'd rather be shot with a thousand laser pointers than help you."
- 2. "I'm afraid I've got a prior commitment... to my couch."
- 3. "Sorry, I'm on a deadline... to do absolutely nothing."
- 4. "I'm allergic to productivity."
- 5. "I'm afraid I'm a professional naysayer, and I'm booked."
- 6. "I've already spent all my 'get out of jail free' cards."
- 7. "I've got a meeting with a nice, comfy pillow, and I'm running late."
- 8. "I'd rather watch paint dry than help you."
- 9. "I'm on a mission to break the world record for most hours spent playing video games."
- 10. "I'm a master of the ancient art of procrastination."
- 11. "I've got a hot date with a box of donuts."
- 12. "I'm afraid I'm on a first-name basis with the concept of 'I'm too busy'."
- 13. "I've got a doctor's note... from my doctor."
- 14. "I'm on a quest for world peace, one nap at a time."
- 15. "I'm afraid I've got a rare and highly contagious case of the Mondays."
- 16. "I'm on a mission to make the world's worst to-do list."
- 17. "I've got an appointment... with my therapist."
- 18. "I'm afraid I'm a master of the art of doing absolutely nothing."
- 19. "I'm on a diet... from reality."
- 20. "I've got a PhD in finding creative excuses."
- 21. "I'm on a crusade to rid the world of productivity."
- 22. "I've got a license to not care."
- 23. "I'm on a mission to watch the world go by through my window."
- 24. "I've got a degree in doing absolutely nothing from the University of Procrastination."
- 25. "I'm on a quest to find the world's worst haircut."
- 26. "I've got a medical condition... called 'I'm not going to help you'."
- 27. "I'm on a mission to learn the art of doing nothing, nothing, and nothing."
- 28. "I've got a PhD in finding excuses from the University of Creative Excuses."
- 29. "I'm on a crusade to make the world a more boring place."
- 30. "I've got a degree in the art of saying no, no, no, no, no."
- 31. "I'm on a quest to find the world's worst excuse for not doing something."
- 32. "I've got a medical condition... called 'I'm not going to help you'."
- 33. "I'm on a mission to make the world a more interesting place... by doing nothing."
- 34. "I've got a degree in procrastination from the University of Doing Absolutely Nothing."
- 35. "I'm on a quest to find the world's worst excuse for not helping."
- 36. "I've got a PhD in finding creative excuses from the University of Procrastination."
- 37. "I'm on a mission to make the world a more boring place... by doing absolutely nothing."
And that's it. You've reached the end of the list. Congratulations! Or, you know, not.
Would you like to continue exploring the Department of Unnecessary Red Tape? Try: