Welcome, fellow Enigmas. This handbook is a collection of cryptic memos, bewildering policies, and general confusion. Please read it carefully, but not too carefully.
It has come to our attention that the stapler in the break room has been relocated. We have reason to believe it was moved by a rogue employee seeking to disrupt the space-time continuum. If you have any information regarding the stapler's whereabouts, please report to Management.
We take our sarcasm very seriously. In fact, it's the only thing we take seriously. Please be advised that excessive use of irony or dry wit may lead to disciplinary action, including but not limited to: termination, demotion, or forced viewing of our company's annual holiday video.
We are not responsible for the unexplained absence of coffee. However, we are willing to provide a map to the nearest coffee shop.
We're a company that's a-maize-ing! As an Enigmatic Employee, it's mandatory to use puns in all official communications. Don't be a punderful employee, be a pun-tential game-changer!