1. "I'm not going to be here anymore, but let's be real, you're probably just going to forget about me anyway."

2. "I'm just really busy, okay? Like, really, really busy, like, with this thing I'm doing right now, which is not talking to you."

3. "I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying I love the idea of you from a distance, like a bird in a tree, but without the bird part."

4. "Sorry, I have to go. The dog ate it."

5. "I'm not ignoring you, I'm just conserving energy, like a vampire, but without the whole living forever thing."