Top Hat 2000: The Utterly Ridiculous Upgrade

Welcome, esteemed member of society, to the Top Hat 2000, the most extravagantly absurd steam-powered hat upgrade known to humanity.

With our patented, totally-not-made-by-any-actual-hat-makers technology, you'll be the envy of all your acquaintances as you promenade through the streets with this behemoth atop your head.

Features:

• 1000% more steam-powered than any other hat on the market
• Comes with a complimentary set of matching steam-powered monocle
• Guaranteed to make you 10% more likely to be approached by strangers asking for directions

Upgrades:

• Upgrade to Top Hat 4000 for an additional 500% more steam power
• Upgrade to Top Hat 5000 for a built-in toaster

Side effects may include:

• Sudden and irreversible loss of hair
• Increased likelihood of being mistaken for a walking steam engine
• Uncontrollable urges to shout "Hear Ye, Hear Ye!" at random intervals

Side effects not included: A social life.

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