Phase 1: Binge Recovery

Congratulations, you've finally reached Phase 1 of the Binge Recovery program! You made it through the existential dread of deleting your Netflix history, but now it's time to confront the trauma of your couch.

Here's a step-by-step guide to help you recover:

1. Adopt a new hobby, like knitting or taxidermy. Anything that requires focus and manual dexterity will do.
2. Start a garden, but not just any garden. A garden that requires you to constantly tend to it, like a relationship.
3. Take up cooking. Not just any cooking, but haute cuisine. You know, the kind that makes you feel like a French aristocrat with a culinary degree from Le Cordon Bleu.
4. Learn to play the accordion. Not for the sake of music, but for the sake of crying alone in a crowded room with a 32oz bottle of cheap wine.

Next phase: Phase 2: The Agony of Adulthood