Dear Whomever-It-Is,
I hope this letter finds you well. Or at least as well as can be expected, considering my constant failures and your inevitable abandonment of me.
As I sit here, pouring my heart out onto this page, I am reminded of the countless ways in which our relationship was a dumpster fire of catastrophic proportions. The memories of our times together are akin to a bad acid trip – a kaleidoscope of regret and self-loathing.
Read on to Part V, where things only get worse.
Best, Your Former Paramour