THE OFFICIAL AFFIDAVIT OF TRUTH

Sworn under the light of a flickering fluorescent, I, [Your Name], hereby declare that:

1. I am not, in fact, a cyborg from the planet Zorgon.
2. I have not, at any point, used my superhuman strength to crush a vending machine in frustration.
3. I am, however, willing to admit that I once ate an entire pizza by myself in one sitting.

Signed, [Your Name]

[A crude, handwritten, 4th-grader-esque drawing of a pen nibbling away]

Witnessed by:

Boris, the trusty sidekick

Officially Notarized by: Notarize-o-Matic 3000