We're not actually abductors. We're just... enthusiasts.
Q: What are the symptoms of an impending abduction?
A: You'll feel a sudden urge to eat Cheetos while simultaneously experiencing a loss of control over your own actions. If you find yourself involuntarily devouring an entire bag, it's probably time to call us.
Q: What happens during the abduction process?
A: Our highly trained team of abductors will gently guide you to a secure, undisclosed location where you'll be subjected to an endless loop of 80s pop music and an endless supply of Cheetos.
Q: Can I be abducted multiple times?
A: Of course! We offer a variety of subscription plans, including the "Repeat Offender" package, which includes free shipping on all Cheetos orders.
Q: Can I opt-out of the Cheetos?
A: No. Our Cheetos are a crucial part of the abduction experience. You'll need to sign a waiver to opt-out, but let's be real, you'll probably just end up eating them anyway.