Arguments Against Pineapple

For the love of all that is holy, why would you want a fruit that's 75% water and 25% regret?

1. Pineapples are too prickly. You can't even eat them without getting stabbed in the hand.

2. Pineapples are a fruit of the devil. They're the reason you can't get a good night's sleep without having a sweet, sweet dream about getting eaten by a giant snake.

3. Pineapples are the root of all problems. Literally. They're the reason your aunt's garden is infested with ants.