Horoscopes for the Sun Signs

Because Who Needs Astrology When You Have Common Sense?

Welcome, Sun Sign friends! Today's horoscope is brought to you by our team of expert astrologers (yes, that's a real word) who have been studying the ancient art of reading tea leaves and making things up.

This week's horoscope for the Leo:

• Your Leo friends are all drama queens
• Don't get your fur, get your cat, when you could get either

This week's horoscope for the Cancer:

• Your mom is calling you from the moon
• You should just eat a sandwich

This week's horoscope for the Virgo:

• Your socks are matching but your life is not
• You need to organize your drawer of dreams

This week's horoscope for the Libra:

• You are a master of the art of pretending to listen
• Your scale is totally not broken, just your entire life is

This week's horoscope for the Scorpio:

• You are a master of the art of seduction, but only with your dog
• Your sting is actually your weak point

This week's horoscope for the Sagittarius:

• You are a master of the art of pretending to be interested in others
• Your archaeological site is totally not a mess

This week's horoscope for the Capricorn:

• You need to get out of your comfort zone and get a real job
• Your mountain is not as high as you think it is

This week's horoscope for the Aquarius:

• You are a master of the art of reading your own mind
• Your friends are all jealous of your ability to see through your own bullsh*t

This week's horoscope for the Pisces:

• You are a magical realism novel waiting to happen
• Your life is a movie and you should be a star, but you keep getting replaced by the actor who played the part of

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