Astrology for the Discerning Capricorn

Today's Horoscope for the Goat

According to our highly accurate and completely not-at-all-made-up sources, today you will:

Experience a 37% chance of getting a promotion at work, but only if you've had at least 3 cups of coffee.
Have a 23% chance of spilling coffee on your shirt, which will be a metaphor for the chaos that is your love life.
Discover that your cat is plotting against you, but only if you've been neglecting to feed it for more than 24 hours.

We hope this helps. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.