Spectral Analysis of Unknown Substances

Unknown Substance 1: Glittering Pink Goo

Analysis: This substance is a known psychoactive substance that causes users to become irrationally attached to their cats.

Side Effects: Increased risk of catnip addiction, spontaneous singing of show tunes, and temporary loss of opposable thumbs.

Unknown Substance 2: Mystery Muck

Analysis: This substance is a known catalyst for spontaneous combustion, although it's unclear why anyone would voluntarily apply it to themselves.

Side Effects: Increased risk of spontaneous combustion, temporary blindness to fashion, and permanent loss of hair.