Step 1: Acquire a cabbage. Any will do, but we recommend the most obnoxious one you can find.
Step 2: Cut it up. Don't worry, it won't be that hard. Just hack at it with a machete.
Step 3: Boil it. Or don't. We won't judge. Just don't come crying to us when you're covered in stink.
For more advanced techniques, click here. Or just go to cabbage faq for answers we'll never provide.
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