Colonization 101: Because Humans Clearly Need More Bureaucracy

Welcome, would-be colonialist! Congratulations, you've found the ultimate guide to spreading your species across the globe.

Here's the lowdown:

Step 1: Steal someone else's land. Preferably, someone who's already there.
Step 2: Build a fort. The bigger, the better.
Step 3: Demand the locals do your bidding. Threaten them with your guns, your germs, or your 'superior' culture.
Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 ad infinitum.
Step 5: Profit!

But wait, there's more! You'll also need to:

Create an entirely new language to confuse the locals even further.
Establish an arbitrary system of governance, preferably with a catchy acronym.
Develop an economy that's solely based on exploiting the resources you just 'acquired'.

And don't forget, the key to success is:

Now, go forth and colonize!