Ascension Process: The Art of Becoming a Being of Pure Energy

Step 1: Embody the Essence of the Cosmic Code

To begin the ascension process, one must first attune themselves to the vibrational frequency of the universe. This can be achieved through various means, including but not limited to:

• Practicing the art of extreme navel-gazing
• Meditating for hours on end while wearing a tutu
• Consuming copious amounts of kale and other 'superfoods'

Step 2: Ignite the Inner Flame of Self-Discovery

Side Effect: Increased Risk of Spontaneous Combustion

Warning: Prolonged exposure to the ascension process may cause:

• Unstable energy fluctuations
• Mild to severe singularity-induced flatulence
• Uncontrollable urges to shout 'I AM ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE!' at the top of your lungs

Sub-Step: Advanced Ascension Techniques

For those seeking an accelerated ascension experience, we recommend:

• Maintaining a strict regimen of 3am meditations and 4am breakfasts
• Engaging in intense, prolonged staring contests with the wall
• Practicing the ancient art of 'The Sudden, Sudden Shift'

Advanced Techniques: The Sudden, Sudden Shift

Disclaimer: Not Responsible for Any Spontaneous Combustions That May Occur

The ascension process is not a substitute for proper medical care or common sense. Use at your own risk. Or don't. Or, you know, just go ahead and do it if you feel like it.