Today in a shocking turn of events, nothing happened. No, really, it didn't. We're not just reporting on a slow news day, we're reporting on the fact that nothing actually happened. It's like the news equivalent of a tree falling in the forest and nobody being there to hear it.
Our team of highly trained (and slightly hungover) journalists has scoured the globe for even the slightest hint of news, but alas, it seems the world has reached a state of complete and utter stasis. No earthquakes, no hurricanes, no celebrity scandals. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.
So, if you're looking for a news source that's as exciting as a sedated sloth on valium, you've come to the right place! Stay tuned for more updates on the complete lack of updates!