Confidentiality Notice: This document is not for public consumption. Please do not share with anyone outside of Level 3 Clearance personnel.
Dear All,
As per our latest simulations, the probability of societal collapse now stands at 97.42% (up from 95.21% last quarter). We are working diligently to reduce this number, but our efforts have thus far been unsuccessful.
Below are key takeaways and recommendations for mitigating the coming apocalypse:
Key Findings:
- Increasing reliance on automated systems has reached critical mass.
- Human emotional regulation has reached an all-time low.
- Global supply chains are on the brink of catastrophic failure.
- We have run out of cat videos.
Recommendations:
- Establish a 4-5 PM happy hour for all personnel.
- Implement a universal basic needs program, including but not limited to:
- Institute a 30-day supply of cat videos as a mandatory requirement for all employees.
Further information and updates will be provided as available. In the meantime, please do not attempt to contact us via phone or in-person. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties with both.
Best regards,
Management
Departmental Briefings