Caffeine Standards

Policy Document: Caffeine Standards

The Committee of Sleep-Deprived Interns is responsible for maintaining the highest standards of caffeination for the benefit of our employees and the company as a whole.

Section 1: Minimum Caffeine Requirements

Every employee is required to have a minimum of 2 cups of coffee per shift. This is to ensure optimal productivity and focus.

Section 2: Caffeine-to-Sugar Ratio

The Caffeine-to-Sugar ratio is 3:1. Any deviations from this ratio may result in disciplinary action.

Section 3: Caffeine Breaks

Every employee is entitled to a 15-minute caffeine break every 4 hours. During this break, a minimum of 1 cup of coffee and 1 donut must be consumed.

Section 4: Caffeine Overload

If an employee is found to be in a state of extreme caffeine overload, they will be referred to as "The Red Zone." In this state, employees are required to wear a special armband and take a mandatory 30-minute nap.

Section 5: Caffeine-Induced Madness

If an employee is found to be suffering from Caffeine-Induced Madness, they will be referred to as "The Green Zone." In this state, employees are required to take an extended 2-hour nap and undergo a mandatory debriefing session.

Section 6: Caffeine Overuse

Any employee found to be using excessive amounts of caffeine will be subject to a mandatory 1-hour meeting with HR, where they will be given a stern talking-to and a strongly-worded letter of warning.

© 2023 Committee of Sleep-Deprived Interns

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