Assurance 12: The Document of Utter Certainty

Issued to: Bureaucracy Inc. by: Certification Committee, on February 27, 2023.

Article 1: The Certainty of Certainty

By the power vested in us, We, the Certification Committee, hereby declare that Bureaucracy Inc. is, in fact, utterly and completely certain about the following:

• Our coffee machines are 99.99% functional.
• Our staplers are 99.99% stapled.
• We have not, in fact, run out of paper clips.

Article 2: The Certainty of Certainty's Certainty

And, by the power vested in us, We, the Certification Committee, hereby declare that this document is, in fact, utterly and completely certain about the following:

• This document is, in fact, a document.
• The words "Certification Committee" are, in fact, written on this document.
• This document will, in fact, not self-destruct in 10... 9... 8...

Article 3: The Certainty of Certain Certainties

And, by the power vested in us, We, the Certification Committee, hereby declare that the following certainties are, in fact, utterly and completely certain:

• Certainty is, in fact, a thing.
• Certainly, certainty exists.
• Certainty is, in fact, not just a feeling.

By signing below, I, Bureaucracy Inc. representative, hereby acknowledge that I have read, understand, and agree to these certainties.

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