Article 1: We believe that the world is 47% certain to end in a blaze of glory. The other 53% is just a crapshoot.
Article 2: Our motto is "Certainty, not just a feeling, but a fact, and a fact that we will not be swayed from."
Article 3: Our meetings shall be held in a dimly lit, smoke-filled room, where the only sound is the distant hum of existential dread.
Article 4: All members are expected to wear black tie and a "I'm a member of the Certainty Club" name tag at all meetings.
Join us, and together we'll face the crushing uncertainty of the universe with the unshakeable certainty that we're right.