| STAT | VALUE | DESCRIPTION |
|---|---|---|
| NUMBER OF COFFEE MACHINES DESTROYED BY OVERHEATS | 427 | We're still trying to get to the bottom of this. |
| AVERAGE NUMBER OF FIREFIGHTERS REQUIRED TO TURN OFF A COFFEE MACHINE | 3.5 | We're not proud of this. |
| TOTAL NUMBER OF COFFEE MACHINES SERVICED BY DEPARTMENTAL BUREAUCRACY | 1,237 | We're just getting started. |
Stay tuned for more statistics, including but not limited to: Average Amount of Coffee Consumed Per Firefighter