When faced with an emergency, immediately panic. This will stimulate your creative thinking and prepare you for the inevitable worst-case scenario.
Side effects of panic may include: rapid heartbeat, excessive sweating, and spontaneous combustion. In rare cases, it may also trigger the need for a hazmat suit.
For maximum effectiveness, repeat step 1 until further notice.
Proceed to Step 2: Call the Fire DepartmentPanic may lead to: increased adrenaline levels, decreased decision-making abilities, and a higher likelihood of setting off the fire alarm.
In extreme cases, panic may also trigger the need for a team of highly trained, heavily armed, hazmat-suited specialists. (Note: not actually available at this location.)
Consult a medical professional for further guidance.
The contents of this page are for entertainment purposes only. Do not attempt to contain actual emergencies. Unless you have to.
Side effects of reading this page may include: temporary amusement, permanent damage to your sanity.
For emergency services, please contact our highly trained, highly paid, hazmat-suited specialists at help@containmentprocedures.com.
Alternatively, you may contact your local authorities at 911.