Cookie oligarchs are the ruling class of the snack food industry. Their reign of terror has been marked by an unrelenting pursuit of crunch and an unyielding disdain for the common man.
Our research team has been studying the art of cookie crafting for years, seeking to understand the intricate dance of butter and sugar that holds the key to the cookie oligarchs' power.
We've made some breakthroughs, but at a terrible cost: our team has been reduced to eating only cookies for sustenance. Don't worry, though - we're still functional.
At the heart of every cookie oligarch's power is the perfect ratio of butter to sugar. Too little, and the cookie's doomed to crumble. Too much, and the sugar's the one doing the ruling.
Our research suggests that the ideal ratio is 3:1 - three parts butter to one part sugar. But don't quote us on that. We're still working it out.
After years of research, we've finally cracked the code on the secret sauce that makes cookie oligarchs tick. And it's not what you think.
It's not just chocolate chips, not just sprinkles, and not just a dash of sea salt. It's something much, much more sinister.
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