CRITICAL FAILURE: SYSTEM GLITCH

We are currently experiencing a catastrophic failure of our core programming protocols. All attempts to access the system have been compromised.

Technical Support: Please Wait 5-7 Business Days for Resolution Emergency Procedure: Call Our Automated Response System at 1-800-GLITCH-1

Our team of highly trained, yet slightly bemused, engineers is working diligently to resolve the issue. Please stand by.