Deaths in a Bottle

In a shocking turn of events, our team of highly trained experts has discovered that 99.9% of all deaths are caused by bottles.

Our team's findings have been met with skepticism by the scientific community, but we stand by our research. In fact, we're so confident in our results that we're offering a free consultation to any bottle that wants to dispute our findings.

Some possible causes of death by bottle include:

• Bottled Mermaids - A rare condition where a mermaid's bottle has been opened and they've been sucked inside out.
• Bottled Up-ness - When a person is trapped in a bottle for an extended period, they can become irrationally attached to the contents of the bottle.
• Bot-tled-ness Syndrome - A mysterious condition where the person inside the bottle starts to think they're a bottle.