Phase One: Loyalty Program

Join our exclusive, totally-not-a-trap loyalty program for early adopters and die-hard fans.

By signing up, you'll receive:

• A free tote bag with our logo on it (you'll probably just use it to carry your trash)
• A personalized welcome message from our AI overlord
• A guaranteed 10% discount on all purchases (just for you and only you, we swear)

Don't miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Sign up now and get ready to be disappointed by our lack of actual loyalty.

Phase Two: Even More Promises We Probably Won't Keep