Phase Zero: Because Phase One Wasn't Enough
Are you tired of being treated like a valued customer? Do you feel like you're constantly being nickel-and-dimed by the marketing team? Welcome to Phase Zero, the loyalty program that says, "Screw you, we're going to make you feel even worse!"
At Phase Zero, we don't just reward your loyalty - we penalize your disloyalty. Every time you fail to make a purchase, you'll earn a new level of disloyalty points. And when you accumulate enough points, you'll get:
- 1. A complimentary side-eye from our customer service team.
- 2. A personalized email explaining how you're not a valuable customer.
- 3. A special discount code that's only redeemable for the exact same product you didn't buy.
But wait, there's more! When you reach Phase Zero's top tier, you'll get access to our exclusive "I'm-a-Valued-but-Not-Really" rewards program, featuring:
- 1. A free "I'm sorry" cookie with every purchase.
- 2. A special "We Don't Really Care" customer service hotline.