When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds of sleepless nights, we, the undersigned, hold it as self-evident, that a snore-filled relationship is not worth the sleep.
We, therefore, the people of the house, in General Congress, assembled, do, in the name of freedom from snoring, declare our rights, and the rights of all future generations, to a good night's sleep, unencumbered by the cacophony of snores.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created sleep-deprived, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, among them, the right to wake up to the sound of silence, and the pursuit of a snore-free existence.
We, therefore, solemnly declare that any significant other found snoring, shall be subject to a midnight eviction notice, and the right to seek a new partner, who shall not snore, or at least, snore less than three times per hour.
And for the support of this declaration, we shall establish the following articles:
May this declaration stand as a testament to our unwavering commitment to a snore-free future, and may our significant others, who snore, be cast into the outer darkness.
May the odds be ever in our favor, and may our sleep never be troubled by the sound of snores.