THE ELEVATOR SPEEDS

Speeds so slow, you'll be late for your meeting

The Elevator Speeds are a real thing of the past. Like a relic from a bygone era, these ancient beasts of steel and cable will have you arriving to the 5th floor at the same time as you arrived at the 2nd floor 10 years ago.

But don't worry, they're still functional, in a "functional" kind of way. Our engineers will have you know that they're still trying to get them fixed, but that's just not possible, because, you know, they're from the 80s.

Subpages:

• Lost in Translation - A guide to navigating the linguistic barrier between our elevator operators and the outside world
• Technical Support - Because who needs customer support when you can just yell at the elevator operators to make it move faster?
• Lost and Found - Where we find the occasional lost briefcase, and the occasional lost soul