Emergency FAQ - The Official Guide to Not Dying

Q: I'm having a heart attack, what do I do?

A: Call 911. Or, you know, just take a deep breath and try to relax. We're all going to be fine.

Heart Attack Solutions

Q: I've been poisoned, what now?

A: Call the poison hotline. Or, you know, just pretend you're in a Bond movie and try to figure it out yourself.

Poison Protocol

Q: I've eaten something that was probably spoiled, what do I do now?Q: I've fallen into a pit of despair, how do I escape?

A: Don't worry, it's just a figurative pit. You can just, you know, step back up. Or, if you're feeling particularly down, try the Depression Self-Help Kit.

Q: I've been possessed by a malevolent spirit, how do I exorcise it?

A: Sorry, buddy, that's not something we can help with. Maybe try a Paranormal Consulting service?

Q: I've eaten too much cheese, what do I do now?

A: You might want to consider Cheese Overload Recovery services.

Q: I've been kidnapped by aliens, how do I contact them?

A: Uh, I think you're on the wrong site. Try Alien Ground Contact for help.