Section 1: In Case of Fire
IF THE FIRE ALARMS SOUND. DO NOT PANIC. Repeat, DO NOT PANIC.
- Call 911 (or your local emergency number)
- Evacuate the building, using the nearest stairwell
- Do not use elevators
- Stay low to the ground
- Do not attempt to fight the fire, unless you have been trained to do so
Section 2: Natural Disasters
IF YOU'RE NOT SURE IF THE EARTH IS GOING TO END UP IN THE OCEAN, THEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULD BE PREPARED.
- Panic and run away
- Or, if you're feeling fancy, grab a surfboard and ride the waves
- Remember, the important thing is to stay hydrated during the flood/earthquake/tornado/etc.
Section 3: Alien Invasions
IF YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU'VE GOT ALIEN INSECTS ON YOUR BACK, CHECK FOR ITCHING OR BURNING.
- Call the Alien Invasions Hotline (A.I.H.)
- Put on your best 'I'm with stupid' shirt
- Run around like crazy, but only if you're near a door
- Otherwise, just stand still and look confused