Zero Tolerance Lobby: Protest Policy

Section 1: Mandatory Attendance to All Meetings

By law, all protests must be attended by at least 3 representatives from the Zero Tolerance Enforcement Agency. These agents will be stationed at the perimeter of the protest area, equipped with an endless supply of riot shields and earplugs.

Section 2: Prohibited Items

Banned items include, but are not limited to:

• Sunscreen with SPF
• Water guns
• Selfie sticks with flash
• Protest signs with more than 3 exclamation points

Section 3: Mandatory Use of Slogans

Protesters are required to use at least 5 approved slogans during each 5 minute interval. These slogans are:

• "I'm not a troublemaker, I'm just a concerned citizen!"
• "We're not protesting, we're just... admiring the local scenery!"
• "I'm not on the list, I'm not on the list, I'm not on the... list!"
• "I'm just a concerned citizen, and also a lawyer, and also a professional wrestler!"
• "I'm not a troublemaker, I'm just a concerned citizen, and also a baker of fine pastries!"

Section 4: Mandatory Selfie-taking

Protesters are required to take at least 3 selfies with a local law enforcement agent every 15 minutes. These selfies will be posted on the official Zero Tolerance Instagram account (@zerotoleranceagency)

Section 5: Fines and Penalties

Breach of these regulations will result in fines ranging from $100 to $10,000 per infraction, or up to 3 months of community service, or both. Repeat offenders will be subject to a mandatory 30-day evaluation for "Protest-Induced Trauma Disorder" (PITD).