We regret to inform you that the package has not yet arrived at our door. This is not a drill. We are starting to think it got lost in the vortex of the postal system, where packages go to die. Or maybe it's just in the hands of the infamous "Package Ninja" who has been known to steal all the good stuff and leave the bills in the mailbox.
As you are aware, this package is of the utmost importance. It contains a rare breed of artisanal, handcrafted, and possibly sentient socks. We cannot stress enough how crucial it is that you locate this package and return it to us at once. Failure to do so may result in severe consequences, including but not limited to:
So, Postman, what are you waiting for? Get on it! We're counting on you (and your trusty steed, the postal truck).
Step 3: Lose Your Grip Even More
Or, if you're feeling adventurous: