Q: What is the Money Back Guarantee?
A: It's a guarantee that we won't actually give you your money back, no matter what you say.
Q: How long do I have to wait for my money back?
A: Forever. We'll just keep your money. Forever. Like, literally, forever.
Q: Can I just send you a strongly worded letter to get my money back?
A: Only if you're writing with invisible ink. Otherwise, we'll just ignore it.