ULTRAHIGH SPEED SERVICE FEE

For the low, low price of $10,000,000 per month, our ULTRAHIGH SPEED SERVICE FEE guarantees you'll never have to wait more than 5 seconds for any webpage to load. Because who needs the internet to load in less than 1 second, anyway?

Features:

• Our team of highly trained, highly paid, highly caffeinated engineers will personally ensure that every webpage loads in under 5 seconds, or your money back!
• Our state-of-the-art server farm is powered by the finest, most expensive, most exotic supercomputers money can buy!
• We'll even throw in a complimentary copy of "The Internet is Slow and We're Sorry" with every purchase!

Fine Print and Legal Jargon

Technical Support: Because You're Clearly Not Tech-Savvy Enough