Just Get It All: The Ultimate Guide to Panic Buying for the Discerning Doomsday Prepper

Step 1: Assess Your Pantry

Don't just stock up on any old thing. You need a carefully curated selection of non-perishable goods that will see you through the long, dark night.

Start with the essentials:

• 1 year's worth of ramen noodles
• 5000 cans of beans (black, kidney, and pinto)
• 100 pounds of dried pasta
• 1000 gallons of water

But wait, there's more! Add some luxuries to keep you sane in the face of societal collapse:

• 500 DVDs of The Great British Baking Show
• 200 copies of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
• 1000 packets of artisanal coffee

And don't even get us started on the importance of a well-stocked first-aid kit.

Check out our comprehensive first-aid kit checklist

Step 2: Diversify Your Portfolio

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Or rather, don't put all your survival supplies in one pantry. Diversify your portfolio with investments in:

Real estate: a small plot of land with a well and a composting toilet

Stocks: Amazonian rainforest reforestation bonds

Bonds: IOUs to your neighbors who owe you for that time you lent them 50 pounds of beans

Mutual funds: a diversified basket of artisanal cheeses

Learn more about investing in duck riding equitizations

Step 3: Hedge Against Inflation

As the value of your supplies plummets, don't get caught with a stash of worthless cans of beans. Hedge your bets with:

Commodities: gold, silver, and rare earth elements

Collectibles: limited edition action figures, vintage typewriters, and rare, collectible dust

Crypto: Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and other cryptocurrencies that will inevitably tank

Learn more about inflation hedging 101