Step 4: Getting a Real Advisor (or a Clueless Person's Guide to Not Losing All Your Money)

At this point, you've likely realized that trying to be your own financial advisor is a bad idea. It's time to get a real advisor who won't steer you wrong.

Here are some signs you need a real advisor:

You're still using a spreadsheet to track your expenses.
You've invested in a timeshare.
You think Bitcoin is a viable investment option.

Don't worry, we've got you covered. Here are some tips for finding a real advisor:

Ask a friend who's not a total doofus for a referral.
Look for someone who uses words like 'diversification' and 'yield' in a sentence that doesn't involve a beer commercial.
Make sure they're not a used car salesman.

And for the love of all things financial, please, please, PLEASE don't go to a seminar that promises to make you rich by selling essential oils.

Step 5: Investing in Things That Aren't Complete Trash

Because who needs a real advisor when you've got Google and a strong stomach?

Step 6: Filing Your Taxes (Without Losing Your Mind)

When you've finally got some real money, you'll need to do something with it. Like, you know, pay taxes.