Are you tired of your 401k growing at a steady 2% per year? Do you yearn for the thrill of financial uncertainty? Look no further! Our expert team of certified financial saboteurs will guide you through the art of turning your 401k into a self-destructing, explosive device.
Why bother with your employer's matching contribution? It's not like they're actually doing you a favor or anything. Let's face it, you're probably just going to spend it all on avocado toast.
Learn how to turn your 401k into a high-stakes game of financial Russian Roulette.
We recommend investing in Reality TV Star-backed Ponzi Schemes. It's a tried-and-true method for turning your 401k into a guaranteed loss.
You've made it this far! Congratulations! Now all you have to do is withdraw your entire 401k balance and treat yourself to a well-deserved vacation to Vegas! Or, you know, just keep it all to yourself and buy a timeshare.