Astrological Fortunes

Delivered by expert astrological tellers with 100% accuracy (or so we claim).

Here are some cosmic fortunes, carefully crafted to guide your star-crossed journey:

• Aries: You will be eaten by a space dragon.
• Taurus: Your coffee shop will be robbed by aliens.
• Gemini: You will find a $10 bill on the street, but it's not yours.
• Cancer: You will cry alone in the dark, but with a good Wi-Fi signal.
• Leo: You will be crowned king of the galaxy, but only on Tuesday.
• Virgo: Your laundry will be done by tiny, invisible elves.
• Libra: You will find balance in your life, but only after 12 years of therapy.
• Scorpio: You will die alone, but in style.
• Sagittarius: You will travel the world, but only in your dreams.
• Capricorn: You will climb the highest mountain, but only in flip-flops.
• Aquarius: You will be ruled by an AI overlord, but only on Wednesdays.