John, the Human Interaction Specialist
John works tirelessly in our Human Interaction Department, where he pretends to care about people's problems while secretly counting down the minutes until he can go to the break room and eat Cheetos.
He's been with us for 7 years, which is approximately 2 years longer than he expected, and has a near-perfect 90% attendance record, only missing 1 day due to "family emergency" which was actually just a family reunion at a Renaissance Faire.
John has a strong background in psychology, philosophy, and "I'm not a morning person," which serves him well in his role as the department's chief "emotional support specialist."