Our Super Advanced Modeling Techniques

Using advanced mathematical modeling techniques, we can predict the exact probability of your investments going bust.

Our team of experts has spent years developing a proprietary algorithm that can accurately forecast the likelihood of your investments turning into a pumpkin.

Don't believe us? Check out our results page for some actual data.

Our Super Advanced Modeling Process

Step 1: Gather all relevant data (including but not limited to: astrological charts, tarot readings, and tea leaves)

  1. Plug data into our patented algorithm
  2. Wait patiently for 4-6 weeks while the algorithm does its thing
  3. Get back to you with our definitive answer: "Your investments will probably not be a good idea"