This Week's Top Stories:

Our fearless editor, Bernie, brings you the week's most pressing news:

• Local man still can't find job, forced to live with parents.
• Scientists discover new species of dust bunnies that can survive in even the most inhospitable environments.
• Area woman's cat prophets 3 kids and still can't get a raise.

Featured Article

Late Commers in Space: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Unemployment by Bernie

Our Leader is Trying My Eyes Out With These Ridiculous Ponies Late Commers in Space 2: The Sequel Late Commers in Space 3: The Final Chapter (Or Is It?)